Looking like a Fool

Here's to journal entries that you look back on and are still convicted by, and song lyrics that play right when you need to hear them (Let it Happen- United Pursuit and Head to Heart- United Pursuit).

I don’t want to be manipulated into loving anyone. Or feel like my life is dependent on his approval. Like to be funny I need him to laugh. To be successful I need him to agree. To be anything I need something else. And maybe that’s why I feel so stifled here, like my prayers hit the ceiling because I don’t have his approval of my faith/my worship (even if I do). 
I feel like I need to ask permission to live fully abandoned.
 So I stay here. Walking on egg shells. Held back from my God by a prison I put myself into. I ask for You to come in. But I keep You at a distance, holding tighter to my fear of their reactions. I try to fix myself into my expectations of their expectations of me. I have to be skinny enough for everyone, I have to read enough for them. I have to be happy enough for her. I have to laugh enough at people for him. I have to be sufficiently distant for her, not clingy. I have to be funny enough for them. I have to be spiritual enough for her. And I change my stories/actions/interactions so as to fit them. 
And all the while my soul withers inside, wishing to just be seen for who I am. Wishing to be so different from any of them that they have no choice but to accept me as I am.  “And he calls each one of us by our names to come and play and he whispers to your heart to let it go and be alive”
I don’t know how to just be. I don’t know how to rest in who you’ve made me. I don’t know how to come alive. I feel like there’s so much of my spirit that wants to be free but I keep it locked up for fear of their reactions. I don’t want to live in fear. I don’t want to hate myself. “That’s how he made you. Just let it happen”
What if I could just trust? What if I stopped caring? “There’s no shame in looking like a fool, in giving what I can’t keep to take a hold of you”

Washed White and Boring

Diversity.
I've always loved it.
When I was a kid my favorite stuffed animals were a dalmatian and a unicorn. They were married and, of course, best friends with the barbies. Because spots vs plain were of no importance, neither was two legs vs four.
My favorite quotes had to do with standing out and being different.
I love anything that screams self expression.
I never wanted to be a part of a crowd, and when I was I was searching for ways to not be like everyone else. I wanted to be diverse. To be different.

And the longer I live, the more people and places I get to know, the more I love it.
I went to an open mic night last week that spoke to this part of my soul. I walked in and there were paintings covering the whole interior of this venue, with no continuity other than that it was art.
The open mic night was introduced with the same message: "There are no regulations; if you can play, play. It doesn't need to be a specific genre."
My friend and I walked out and she said "I don't get this place. There's Doctor Who over here and then that," pointing to the other sections of paintings.
That's when it hit me. "This is what the church should be."

There are no rules or regulations for dress, for genre, for life style. Come in as you are, give what you have, enjoy everyone else as they are. No judgements, no expectations. The music was enjoyed because it was good, not because it fit a certain criteria.

What if when we walked in to church that's what we got? A mix of people from all places and stages of life. Hipsters and punks and grandmas and young families and skaters and potheads and business men and musicians and students. What if churches didn't aim to please the people, but instead focused on walking towards Jesus together? What if I didn't have to wash my colors off to walk in the door?
That's how I feel in Christian circles so often. Ephesians tells me I'm a "masterpiece". I was doodling that word the other day and I drew a puzzle piece next to it. The next day I walked to school and there were puzzle pieces scattered on the sidewalk on my way, as though God was reminding me "Megan, you're a piece of my puzzle. And you're magnificent, a masterpiece."
But when I think of the church, I don't see the beauty of hundreds of pieces that come together to make a beautiful picture. I see white. A giant white puzzle. As though we somewhere along the way decided that we had to shed what makes us unique to become a Christian. We have to do this and not to that and line up perfectly with this idea of the perfect Christian, who is not Jesus by the way.
No. To be a good Christian I can't cuss (or flip tables) I can't drink (turn water into wine?) I can't hang out with the wrong crowd (sinners, prostitutes, tax collectors). I must go to all Bible studies. I must raise my hands in worship. I must attend every weekend. I must.
And so here we are. All white. All matching. All 'perfect'. ... All boring. And dare I say, maybe a little dry, a little empty.

I don't know about you, but I think there's more to this relationship than that. I think God gave me my colors because he wanted me to have them. He didn't give them to me so they could be stripped when I met Him. No. I think He enhances them. I don't lose myself when I get to know Him, I become more of myself. More who He created me to be. This relationship we have, it's not going to look like cookie-cutter Christianity because I am created unique. And the way that I understand and communicate with God is unique to me and the way I am made. The beautiful thing is that I will never fully grasp who He is. He's bigger than me. But he's given me you to help. Because the way you understand and communicate with God is unique to you, and when you share that with me and I with you we both come away with a greater understanding and knowledge of who He is. And add another person in there, it's even greater. That is how the Body of Christ should be!

That is how the puzzle becomes a beautiful picture of who God is. As we all individually follow Christ and His call on our lives, we are sharing with each other and learning together for a more complete picture of who God is. That is the beauty that we could be. That is the beauty I long for. 

So let's agree today; no more pretending or hiding behind white or doing something because "a good Christian would". Let your colors shine. Let people see you. You're a masterpiece. Why not share your beauty with the rest of us. Be courageous and inspire others to do the same. You were made for more. Live it with me today.

#WalkForFreedom

A21 is a campaign that exists to abolish sex slavery. Today, in cities all over the world, people came together in a #walkforfreedom to take a stand, raise awareness, and give a voice to those who don't have one. I joined them along with many from my church here in Valencia.

We met at the Torres de Serrano and they told us how it was going to work. The Women would walk in a single-file line, silent and stoic. The men would walk on both sides talking to the people we passed and telling them what it was about. We walked for about an hour. As we walked, I was aware of those around us. The men that I'd met at church, talking to the people on the street. The people that we passed, watching us. The men especially. I noticed the men.

We stopped traffic. We had a police escort. There was plenty of attention on the line of women walking the streets of Valencia. But the attention was not for appearance, for that which women usually get attention. The attention was because there were at least a hundred of us, in all black, in a line. Silent.

As we walked I felt their eyes. I heard their voices.
"What is this?"
"You think a line will change anything?"
"Long live prostitution"
We walked through a neighborhood where prostitution happens every day; they told us before that we would. But I knew we were there because I felt it-- the oppression. I found out later that there had been women there hiding as we passed, and a few men got to talk to them and tell them why we were there. They said "Thank you" They were the reason we were there.

On that street I was even more aware of the men. Two of them walked up to our line saying "Oh look, you've lined the women up for us." I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to feel powerless to protect myself. But at that moment I did. And at that moment I was grateful for the men of God that flanked us. For the man that stood next to those two and kept them from us. What a picture that was to me.

Those men were fallen. They were so far from who God created them to be. They are the men I fear, though I would deny it. They are the men I expect, because they are what the world has made them. And by the world they are applauded. They are the reason for feminism. They are the reason I long to be independent, to stand on my own two feet and be under my own authority.

But the men in black walking alongside us. Those men have chosen a different path. Those men have chosen to love and to cherish. They've chosen to speak out for the women that are not able to. They've chosen to follow a Man who lived a different sort of life; a life to serve, to build up, to fight injustice. They are men I would follow.

We walked today in silence. And as we walked, I thought of all the women and children around the world without the option of speaking up for themselves. Those whose lives consist of abuse and heartache. The belief that "no one is coming." The depression that says I am alone in my nightmare. And my heart breaks. Every one of them is a dearly beloved child of God. Every one of them was bought for a price-- the blood of my savior.

And yet I sit, day in and day out, worried about petty things, rarely giving them a thought. Why am I not in their shoes? Why are they not in mine? Why do I not do more to help them? What can I do?

Today I gave myself to them as a metaphor. I walked in silence. I stood as a picture of those who can't.
Today I gave my prayers to them.
Today I gave my feet, my legs, my back.
Today I gave my heart to them.
Today I give my everything.

To the Boys...

To the boys who want to be her man,

Know that as you go about your life, she's watching. She's watching how you treat other girls. She's watching how you respond to stress and frustration. She's watching how you talk to your mom and your sister. She's watching when you lose your cool. She's watching when you've won it all. She's sees it all. 

So don't live like it doesn't matter. Like what you do today has no repercussions tomorrow. Your actions affect her tomorrow and to her that is no light matter. 

Grow up. Have fun; but never at the expense of someone else. Work hard; but don't be afraid to relax. Go after your dreams and for God's sake if she's the one you want, chase her. Tell her what she means to you and don't be afraid of falling on your face. If she's worth it, you'll risk it. And she knows that. Risk being honest because life is not worth it without the risk. Risk it because she's going to risk a lot to trust you too. Risk it because she never believed anyone would or could. 

Work now to be kind when it's easier to be mean. Work to love when it's natural to hate. Work to be humble and selfless and madly, desperately in love with Jesus. Work to become a leader worth following. Work like it's what you were made for, because it is. 

She doesn't need a perfect man. She needs a man who will admit his mistakes and work to be better. A man who loves always and puts her before himself but after Jesus even as she tries to do the same for him. A man who is faithful in the little things. A man who protects her in her weakness and who magnifies her strengths. A man who will stand beside her proudly through success and failure alike. A man who points her always to Jesus as he runs next to her in this race called life. 

A New Mission

God has been changing my heart so much since I've been at camp and I wanted to share some of what He is doing. 

A few months ago I wrote out a blog for HeartSong about the things that God was showing me: 

"I love to dream. God has given me so many dreams throughout my life. I have had this dream for the last several years to go to other countries and love on, and potentially teach, underprivileged children. It’s one of those things I want so bad that it’s shaped many, if not all, of my decisions recently. If this option doesn’t get me there, I won’t take it. 

In chapel the other day, the speaker spoke these words, “God wants to expand your dreams.” Then later that day there was this quote on Instagram, “He dreams bigger dreams for you than you do.” I was like Okay, God. What’s your point? 

I realized that I’d become stuck on this one thing (going overseas), a good thing, but still a thing that was not God. I’d begun to want that more than I wanted to follow wherever God led. I’d stopped trusting that He had a plan for me and focused on the plan that I liked, the one that was good enough for me. But He’s God. He doesn’t stop at “good enough”."

I went on to talk about the reasons I wanted to go into missions and my discovering that God had fulfilled all of those desires through HeartSong. This summer has been so much more of the same. As we lead on stage and engage off stage I have found that my heart has been broken again and again for the brokenness I've seen here in the lives of these campers. My heart goes out to those who have not had the love and support they need to succeed in life and I've found that as that has happened I've been less inclined to go overseas. It is not that I no longer want to. I would still love to travel should that be in God's plan for me. But I'm so much more convinced that God can and will use me where ever I end up- even if that's America. 

I love ministry. I love to love people and to encourage them. I want to be the one to help heal the brokenness. I want to give my life to help those who can not help themselves. And maybe that means overseas missions, but maybe that means my mission is here. And maybe here is where ever I am. 

I'm so amazed to see how God has directed my life to be at this place now. In middle school I felt God leading me towards working with the homeless. Because of that I started working at the Center for the Homeless in South Bend. While there I worked with the children ages 3 mos. - 3 yrs in a program that helped to improve their development so they would not be behind when they get to school. Through working there I discovered my love for underprivileged children and a desire to help students like them succeed, which is how I ended up at Cedarville as an Early Childhood Education major. And now after changing my major to Christian Education (a general ministry major) and two years in the ministry of HeartSong, I find myself here; with a love for ministry and a desire to help people but no idea how God will use that in my future. 

I have no doubt God will continue to lead me along this road with many twists and turns that I never would have foreseen. I trust that he will continue to draw me toward my final destination of being with Him and I am comfortable to sit back and enjoy the view along the way. His plan and purpose for my life is nothing I would have chosen for myself but I want it more than anything. Here's to many more years of following where the Spirit may lead. 

Nearness

I'm blown away today. Not by the wind that bites at my face when I walk outside. Not by my classes or the people or even the beauty around me. I'm blown away at my King. He is too good. He is too loving and too gracious and too just and too perfect to be true and yet He is. And I know it because I see it, I see Him everywhere. 

This semester has opened my eyes in a completely new and beautiful way to the nearness of Christ. So many nights I've talked with my roommate about things we've struggled with and ways that we want to be better and that by itself is a beautiful thing. But almost every time we've shared things with each other, we hear about that exact thing in chapel the next day or in classes or a church service. It's to the point that I anticipate it. I leave those conversations wondering what God is going to do with it in chapel the next day. It's like He's just sitting in our dorm room listening as we share our hearts, loving the community and grinning, "Just wait, child. I've got something coming for you tomorrow.” 

I don't have adjectives enough to describe that feeling; To know that God, the only God, the one who created all and holds all in his perfect hands, He loves to sit with us. He loves to point our dialogue in the right direction. He honors the effort to live in community, in a way that is pleasing to Him. He draws near to us as we draw near to Him. There's nothing like it. 

I had to have a tough conversation yesterday and nothing in me was excited, although I knew it was necessary. As it began I sent a silly, simple little prayer to God. “I just don’t want to cry.” It was so insignificant in light of everything that was about to take place. But He answered it. And His answer was yes. “I hear you, my love, and I’m going to take care of the big things. But I’ll take care of this little request too, because you matter to me, because you are my treasured one.” In the moments after that conversation ended, alongside the relief that came with being done, was this overwhelming sense of just being cherished. I felt like God was wrapping me in a hug in that moment. 

There is no reason that He should love me. All the mistakes, all the times I’ve pushed him away and tried to run, all the times I chose my pride and my protection over Him, yet He chooses to love me. He chooses to give me grace enough to show me my short comings and gives me the strength to overcome them. He gives me peace unlike anything the world could hope to produce even when my life is storming. He is all that I could ever need and so much more. 

I’m in awe of who He is. I’m in awe of what He’s done and the love that He continually lavishes over me. I’m in awe of the grace he extends no matter how many times I fall. I’m in awe of the people He’s put in my life to teach me more about who He is. There's is no one like Him. What a joy it is to know and be loved by so great a King. 

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,

    for those who fear him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger;

    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing

Psalm 34:8-10

True Healing

I want to make a habit of doing what does not come easily. I've started running a couple times a week and I'm struck by how much it sucks. Every time. But somehow I always feel better afterwards. Like that hell I put my body through was actually worth it. Not only was I able to release any stress through the activity, but my body is becoming stronger and healthier because of it. 

It's funny how easy it is to fall into old habits when life gets rough. When I get tired, when I feel alone, when I'm sad, I run to the things that I know will numb the pain- at least for a little while. I run to the things that satisfy that longing immediately. Because eating a doughnut is easier than going for a run. Because the 'long run' doesn't cross my mind in the moment. Because real healing takes work and it takes time. Neither of which I enjoy giving. 

But this person that I am, the one I see in the mirror, the one that falls time and again to the same old trick, the one that chooses immediate gratification over true healing every time, that's not the person I want to be. That person makes me sick to my stomach. That person is not the one I want people seeing.  It's not how I want to live. 

True healing, though, requires authenticity. It means someone else has to see that version. It means the mask has to go in the trash and the walls have to come down. And that is terrifying. So I continue. I continue to cry in agony at the brokenness inside of me. I continue to long for a better existence. I continue wishing that just once I would not fall. I continue wishing that someone would break down the walls and simultaneously pushing away anyone who would try. 

It's a vicious cycle and I think it's one many of us live. Pride keeps our masks in place, believing that we are the only ones who struggle, the only ones who fall. Admitting weakness is admitting failure. And failure we cannot accept. We cannot let them see the brokenness we see in the mirror. No one would stick around if they saw that. Right? 

Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of pretending to have it all together when I don't. I'm sick of acting as though life is great when it's not. I fall time and again into the same old easy fix. I'm a sucker for immediate gratification. I'm the weakest person I've ever met and I need Jesus. I do. I am weak and I am broken and I build walls like its my job. But maybe this will be the start of a new era. An era of honesty. An era of authenticity. An era of community that does not condemn but comes together to support one another. I want that. I want deep intentional relationships and I want life-giving community. 

There is no healing in my mask. There is no satisfaction in my little, perfectly protected and perfectly abandoned castle. Perfect love casts out fear. So today I'm laying down my mask and I invite you to do the same. Run hard into the arms of Jesus. Let someone in on your struggles. Let them help you. Share the burden. We were not meant to do this life on our own.

{To You} When You Feel Like Giving Up

I get it. You feel alone. You feel lost. You feel like a burden. 

And you're searching for someone to show that you matter. That you're worth it. 

But SOMEBODY ALREADY DID. 

You can be sure that you matter because you're here today. 

Somebody cared enough to create you. Somebody cared enough to die for you. 

He's pursuing you every day if only you would stop to listen. 

He wakes the sun up for you every morning. 

He opens the mouths of the birds to sing you to your morning classes. 

He unveils the stars at night to guide you. 

He smiles at you through the flowers and waves with the falling of the leaves. 

He loves to see you happy and cries when you cry. 

There is nothing He does not see. 

He notices when you hurt and he longs to comfort you. 

So crawl back into his arms, child. 

Crawl back the direction you think He is. 

When it feels like there is a wall between you, know that it is nothing more than a feeling. 

That when you ask He will break it down. 

There is no distance too far, 

no sin too wrong, 

no fall too hard 

that he can not pick you up and put all the little pieces back together. 

He is not angry with you for running. 

He does not resent the distance. 

He simply follows, waiting for you to turn and see that he is right there, all the time, 

arms ready to embrace you, party already planned for the return of his precious child. 

Come home. 

Rest in His arms and know yourself to be loved. 

Believe it. 

Breathe it in. 

This is where you belong. 

No matter where you are on this Earth. 

Here, in your Father's arms, this is home.

Words

I'm learning about words these days. Turns out they're pretty powerful. You'd think it'd be something I was aware of. Sure I've said words are powerful. I've heard that we need to be careful of what comes out of our mouth. But life as of late has taught me lessons that hit home just how true this really is.

In Genesis, God spoke. It's the first thing he tells us he did. And because he speaks we know that we can believe, we know that what he says will happen because that's the precedent that he sets. I believe his promises because he spoke them. I wonder if the same could be said for me. How many times do I say things that I don't really mean, or mean things and then not follow through? How much weight do my promises actually carry for people who know me? I don't know if the answer is one I'd like to hear.

Photo by @lakeanncamp

At camp last summer every Friday we would have combined chapel which meant all the campers going into 6th grade through graduated seniors were all in the same room at the same time. And every Friday Ken Riley, the director would get up on stage and talk about the great tradition that is the Glory Bowl. At the Glory Bowl all the kids would gather around a giant fire and anyone who wanted to could share about what God had done in their life that week. As Ken introduced this event, he gave two reasons that he believed the glory bowl was important. The first was that it's encouraging to those around us to see how God is moving in us. The second is that our decisions are solidified in our hearts when we speak them out loud.

That second one has been a game changer for me lately. When I speak it solidifies what I think in my heart. Which means when people ask me how I am and I complain about all that's going wrong, that's solidified. It means that when I mention all the things this one person has done that irritates me, that's solidified. But it also means that saying "I forgive you" can be followed by the feeling. It means that talking about the things that go right, might actually shift my gaze from the things that don't.

If my words will translate into actions down the road, I want to be speaking truth. I want to speak joy. I want to speak peace. I want to speak the pure and the noble and the right, the excellent and praiseworthy.

I am no master of this skill. I'm not really even good at it. But God is teaching and I am learning and my hope is that you too will see the value of this lesson and apply it to your life. Be careful of the things you let come out of your mouth and have a blessed day.

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Wonder

It's so easy, so comfortable to live in the box of things we know. We strive for exact and final answers to our questions. We look skeptically upon that which we cannot fully comprehend. 
The unknown is scary. So we run. We think, we wrestle, and we try to work ourselves to the answer. 

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus, to me, is that I cannot ever fully understand. At times it's frustrating, exhausting, even overwhelming. But then I'm reminded that if I could know everything that God knows, if I could understand how and why He does what He does, there would be no reason to depend on Him. I would not need him because I'd already know all things. 

Following Christ is all about the journey. There will never be a time while I'm alive when I will have reached the final destination in my walk with Christ. I will never achieve perfection, or total knowledge. But that's the beauty in it. Every day I can search and grow and learn and become closer to my Jesus. 

We try so hard to box God in. To strap him down and pull out black and white answers to life. We long for the black and white because it's safe. It's right or it's wrong. No gray. Gray is scary. I'm right and you're wrong and that's all there is to it. But what if that's not how it was supposed to be? What if it is gray? What if the black and white mindset is keeping me from loving someone who desperately needs it? What if the black or white or gray doesn't even matter?

I think we miss out on so much of the goodness that God intended for us when we let ourselves go to the black and white. We stop thinking once we have our answer. We stop listening. We stop growing. In my experience the closer I get to Jesus, the less I care about exact answers. The journey is joy because each step takes me closer to Him.

Donald Miller says it this way in his book, Blue Like Jazz: "At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is the feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."

Take some time today to wonder. Wonder at the things He's done. Wonder at the things He's doing. Wonder at the world around you. Wonder at the little daily blessings.

It's good to be alive. It's good to be loved by Jesus. It's good to have another chance every day to serve and honor and worship Him. Remember that and smile.

Worship

The gospel. 

What a word.

I wonder sometimes what sort of power it carried when first the word was spread about Jesus.

The "Good News". It wasn't a Christian word. Somehow, though, I imagine the kids running down the streets to their friends, "Hey! Did you hear the good news?”

It feels exciting. Good. A little weighty. But also light. It feels like hope.

I grew up wondering what all the gospel meant. When people talked about the gospel, what were they referring to specifically? I'm sure it varies to some extent from person to person- everything does. But this year, for possibly the first time, I'm learning what exactly it means. And more than that, I'm learning how to live it. 

It's amazing to see how God uses the events and the people in my life to teach me more what this means. It blows me away to watch as He puts together the groups of conversations and events and situations that all point me toward the thing that He's trying to get across to me. Lately it's been pride. For the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling with this pride that has told me I have it all together and that I have what it takes. But God has brought to my attention consistently just how untrue this is.

Every time I'm tempted to forget, something else happens that brings me back to a place where I realize just how much I need Him, how dependent I am upon His hands to mold me into the person I want to be- the one He made me to be. As I sit here unsure how to move, He molds my heart through His word and His love and His people.

It struck me the other day how quickly my dreams could be over. At any moment I could develop a disease or break my arm and in that moment I would lose my ability to play bass and guitar, possibly forever. And the level of fear that arises in me when I think about that tells me that yet again I've put my trust and my hope in something other than God. I've come to define myself by the abilities that God has given me while forgetting that it was God who gave them to me.

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God.

The Skies proclaim his craftsmanship.

Day after day they continue to speak;

night after night they make him known.

They speak without a sound or word;

their voice is never heard.

Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,

and their words to all the world" - Psalm 19:1-4

It's so humbling to think how every piece of God's creation screams his praise. Without so much as a word the trees point to his majesty and the sunset to His beauty and and the stars to His immensity. And yet I, who was made in His image; I, who He died for; I,who was loved by Him even when I was weak (always) and fell down (more often than I care to admit); I try to achieve His glory for myself. How does that make sense?

What an awesome privilege it is to be able to point people to Christ, to inspire people to follow Him. What a great joy it is to use the gifts He has given me to help others worship Him who has given us more than we could ask or imagine. There should be no fear in me over losing those gifts, but instead gratitude and humility that He has allowed me to use those gifts and given me the opportunity to use them in a way that is honoring to Him.

Every moment that I have I want to worship. In my music, in my school work, in my friendships, in my quiet time I want every thought, every action to honor God. I want to live a life of worship. I want to praise him in every moment, the good and the bad. I want to live a life whole-heartedly devoted to Him so that when I die it is not my name they remember, but God's. 

I'm not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be. But there will be no more half-hearted devotion, no more take-it-or-leave-it faith. I'm handing over every dark and cobweb-filled crevice of my heart to be lit and cleaned and refined in the fire. I cannot lead others in worship through music when my life is not living worship. From this moment on I'm all in. 

Life is Hard

I wonder if the American dream hasn't been distorted more than a little bit. Once it was that if you work hard enough you can achieve wealth and a family and live in that white house with the picket fence. But now we think we deserve everything that comes our way. The good stuff anyway. The bad is all someone else's fault. I can't help but wonder though if that dream, that mindset hasn't messed us up a little too. I've just finished up my first semester of college and let me tell you, it was hard. Hard but good. And at first I couldn't reconcile that in my mind. If this is where I'm supposed to be, why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to be away from my friends and family? Why are those friendships changing? Why do I have to make new ones? Why don't these professors understand? But then it hit me. Something inside me has been running from "hard" my whole life. So many of my decisions were based on what was or wasn't difficult. I stayed with my group of friends because it was hard to make new ones, and it's hard to be vulnerable. I volunteered at youth group because it was the natural thing, it was what everyone did. I gave up every time I started working out. I gave up on guitar. And sure none of that was bad. I never had sex. I never did drugs. But I never worked at anything that didn't come naturally to me either.

College is not natural to me. Everything about it has taken effort on my part and I thought about giving up on more than one occasion. But maybe it's taken all this for Jesus to get through to me what He's been trying to tell me the whole time: I need Him. Such a simple lesson. One I've heard and said a million times. But I'm learning it all over again. This relationship we have is so much more difficult than I ever believed. Not because He's not here (He is), not because He doesn't care, but because He does care. And that is incredibly hard to believe and accept and because I don't know how to really listen. How do you ask God to teach you to listen to Him when you can't hear a response? When you strain your ears but all you hear is silence, and maybe some birds chirping. Maybe that is when you give up. Maybe that is when He steps in and says "It's okay. I'm here. And I'll give you as long as it takes" And maybe that's when you realize that what you ought to be listening to is your heart.

When I look back at Jesus' ministry, that's when I know I shouldn't be striving for an easy life. Nothing about Jesus' life was easy. He loved and learned and grew from the beginning and who knows how much of that came easily to Him. Probably not all of it. And then He went into ministry and loved people who would never love Him back. He forgave people who hurt Him time and again. He walked for miles and taught and healed until He was exhausted. And then He did it some more. And then as if all of that wasn't enough, He let them nail him to a cross. He hung there for hours. He breathed His last, in agony, brokenhearted and surrounded by a crowd of mockers. Then, when it looked like all hope was gone, three days gone, He. Came. Back. If that ain't love I don't know what is.

He's willing and able to do that in me. He can raise the dead inside of me. He can help me love the hard to love, and forgive the ones who've hurt me. He can help me do the hard things. And that is more beautiful than words can express. Maybe it even makes the challenges a little more colorful, a little more exciting. I know that whatever comes, no matter the difficulty, He can work through me and do immeasurably more than I ever could have imagined. He makes it all worth it. Hard is good because He is with me. And with you. Don't forget that.

People Leave

Can I just start by saying God is awesome?! Seriously! Not only did He send His son to die for the sins I've commited but, knowing everything that I've ever thought/done, He loves me anyway! What?! AND He wants a relationship with me? How great is that?! He's got to be the absolute coolest guy to ever exist. Shoot. I can't wait until we meet face to face.

It's been a LONG time since I've blogged. You may have forgotten that I have a blog, I did for a little while there. But I'm back and I have some awesome God-moments to share with you, so buckle in! We're about to take off!

We all have rough patches in our lives and many I've talked to have come to the same realization in their lives that I did over the course of the past year or so: People leave. And it hurts really bad when they do. The people that have in one way or another walked out of my life have all been people that were and still are very near and dear to my heart. As such, I came to conclude that when I open up to people, when I let them see me, they will leave.

Don't freak out. This story isn't done yet.

The logic in my head then followed that as God created men in His image, God must also leave when I let Him see all of me, right? So when there have been people in my life who have been willing to listen, I've unloaded my baggage on them, instead of first going to God. Because, while I can live through more people leaving my life, I can not continue to stand if my very foundation walks out from under me.

In this attempt, however, not to lose that which was/is my everything, I shut down the lines of communication between us. I neither spoke, nor listened. I tried to do everything on my own and I failed time and again. I finally came to realize, just this past weekend that my fear of losing people and God was getting me nowhere except a more lonely place of being than that which I was originally trying to avoid. In my attempt not to lose God, I pushed Him away. That which I wanted most to hold onto, I lost by clinging harder to my fear than to Him.

But God can not be boxed in by our human limitations and when I finally stopped to let Him, He opened my eyes to knowledge and beauty which I never could have seen on my own. Although it hurts to lose loved ones, I've learned that it is far worse to push away Him who is Life itself. It is like a flower who, for fear of rejection refused to uncurl it's petals until night when no one could see it. But a flower can not live on moonlight and so though it was safer from this rejection it so feared, it was also slowly starving itself of Life. And really, who wants that? I certainly don't.

Cling to this today, friends, God won't leave!!! He loves you more than you could ever imagine and He wants what is best for You! He wants you to talk to Him, and to talk to You. He will not be scared off by your anger or your deepest secrets (He already knows them!) or your questions, or your honesty. He made you beautifully and in His image! You are His masterpiece and He has great plans for your life, if you will simply take a step back and let Him lead you!! Scary as it may be, I bet you'll find they're better than any you may have had for yourself. And He promises to love you NO MATTER WHAT!!! You couldn't ask for a better friend. Take advantage of that!!

I say it again, God is sooooo freaking cool!!!
He loves you! I love you!
God Bless!!!

Megan

Here and Now

I recently wrote a song that I am really passionate about. The lyrics can be seen here. As I was thinking back on my explanation of it's background to a friend I realized there was so much more I wished I could have added. The song came out of an irritation. Everywhere I looked I saw people running from place to place, never slowing down to breathe. 'Beauty' explores the idea that we keep ourselves busy as an escape from the pain. There are so many escapes that people condemn, the use of drugs, for example. But the one I believe most commonly overlooked is the one most of us use. It's easy to forget what we're running from when we never stop to think. However, we also miss so much that God has put there for us to enjoy. We miss opportunities to spend time with loved ones, we miss the way the birds chirp in the morning, or how the clouds spell out "I ♥ U". In the midst of cussing (in our heads) at the other drivers we miss what God is trying to tell us through a song on the radio. We miss the ways we can help out a friend having a rough day, or a stranger who just needs to know there are still people who care. It's incredible how much we miss when we get wrapped up in ourselves. I know. I've done it. I do it. It's why I'm so passionate about it.

God has given us a beautiful world to live in. He gives us a new backdrop in the sunrise/sunset everyday! He brings up new flowers every spring, and fresh snow in the winter. He colors the leaves in the fall and heats up the beaches/water for us in the summer. But we miss it! We forget to look because we're running through life. They say "Live life to it's fullest" but full does not mean fast. To live a full life we must learn to be content with who we are. We have to face up to our past and see how it has made us who we are. We have to look into our future with bright eyes, trusting that God will lead us where He wants us to go. We must live in the here and now: not in the past, though we see how it changed us, not in the future, though we look forward to the places we may go. But in the here. In the now. Because only when we live in today can we see the beauty that is all around us. Only in today can we appreciate the little things and allow them to shape us into who we ought to be.

I challenge you, tomorrow, instead of seeing only the things that go wrong, be intentional about looking for the little pieces of joy. It might just make your day. God bless!

Next

It's around your junior year in High School that people begin to ask the dreaded question: "Do you know what college you're going to?" The answer for me is no. But that is not the point of this blog. This time is so stressful for majority of teenagers because it feels like our whole life is resting on this decision and if, like me, they don't know what they want to do post-college, it can be even more stressful. I tend to cope with that particular issue by ignoring it. However i've realized that I've been assuming that more is riding on this decision than there actually is. You see, my natural response to the college question is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. But as I was praying the other day, it became clear to me that it's not my whole life I need to figure out. God has a plan for me, and likely it is not my plan for me. So if I attempt to plan out my whole life (which I would never do...I hate planning) but if I did, it would likely change as God calls me elsewhere and then all that planning would go to waste. So in this decision coming up here, I don't need to figure out my life, I only need to figure out what to do NEXT. Only God knows where my life may lead, and only He sees how it all turns out. All I have to do, is trust that He will lead me in that direction. Granted, that's easier said than done. But God is God, and God is good. And no matter where He directs my life, He will be with me. And with that in mind, I find it really difficult to stress about anything. Why would I? God is in control and He "works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Rom. 8:28) Rest in that knowledge today. God Bless!

Too Short

Some of you may know I was in a car accident recently (not to worry, no one was hurt) but i'm not writing this for your sympathy. I'm writing out of this place to inspire you. If there's one thing that my accident brought to my attention it is the fragility of life. It's like the angels in heaven are walking around caring glass vases, if they drop the life is lost, like the vase. I think my angel tripped. Caught me just in time. I don't think that's actually what happens...that'd all seem rather pointless. However you get what i mean about the fragility. Life is fragile. It can be lost at any moment. You never know when you or someone you love will be taken, so why hold back? Why keep the truth inside? We so easily retreat to this place of security where we pull our armor around us and only let in the people we trust the very most. I have always been terrified that the people i love will exit my life before I get to tell them how much I love them, and my goal is always to be honest even when it's scary. I don't always succeed because, let's be honest, sometimes it's just easier to hold it in. But the goal remains. If I respect someone, I tell them. If i'm grateful for someone's hand in my life, i send them a text or write a letter. Life is too short to hold back. So use what you've been given to help those around you, because you never know how it will affect them or how long you have left with them. If you died tomorrow, what would you regret not saying? What love would you wish you had shared? What relationship would you wish you'd repaired? Don't blow this off. Really think about it. And then go DO IT! Life is fragile. Life is short. Don't hold it in. Let go of the fear of rejection, and open yourself up to the love that comes from loving others well.

Stronger



(Picture by Jeff Myers)

Over a somewhat random course of events, I happened upon my Chicago journal from the mission trip last summer and I wanted to share some of the thoughts I learned from that week. There are so many memories from that trip that stick out to me, that added clarity to my life and my walk with Christ. One of these is pictured above. We were helping out at a camp ground called "Riverwood," and one of the tasks they gave us was to pull this "log" out of the river. Anyway, there were just a few of us to begin with, but when we realized this log, which was more like a tree, was too heavy for us we went out and grabbed some more people. I'm not going to lie, when we got went back with everyone, I had it in my head that it would suddenly be easy. But you know what? It wasn't. We had to push it out in spurts ("one, two, three!" *pick up and shove*). But we got it out. And it felt so good to be a part of that. I realized that it was a great analogy for our walk through life. This world we live in is messed up. We are messed up, and we mess up, often. And there is stuff that will be thrown at us throughout our life time that is rough. Stuff that we can't go through alone. God has put people in our lives to help us, but that doesn't mean it'll be simple. Life is still going to be difficult, bad stuff is still going to happen. Trusting God and the people He has put in our lives doesn't make it easy. It just make it possible. And with Him, with them, we can get through the crap thrown at us. We can overcome the downed trees in our path, climb the mountains that appear in front of us and defeat the Goliath's that stand in our way. Because with God all things are possible. And one heave, one step, one stone at a time, we can get through anything. And we will be stronger because of it.

Letter to a friend

I wrote this letter to a dear friend of mine and wanted to share it with you. I've heard before that when you feel the fullness of God's love you can not help but share it with others. I've prayed "God break my heart for what breaks yours" Tonight both of these happened. My heart broke for those living outside of Him, God knows I wouldn't survive. I'm so blessed to have been born to my parents, and grown up at my church, surrounded by all the wonderful people I have around me. This letter was my expression of the pain I feel for those who have not opened their eyes/hearts to the gift God has offered them.

"How does one explain color to a man who's been blind since birth? I long for you to understand why it is I have so much passion about my faith. But I don't know how to explain something that is such an intimate part of me. As one of my closest friends, you know my struggles, my mistakes. You know me. Does the transparency draw you in or turn you away? I get so nervous that being open about my faults will turn you away from this completeness that I want so badly for you to have. Never before have I wanted you to understand this, as much as I do at this moment. You know as well as anyone, and better than most, that I still have doubts. You know I still get lonely, sad and dejected at times. But in those moments, God shows up. Everytime. I get to feeling like no one cares and He puts someone in my life to remind me that He still cares. And I can't count the number of times that's been you. I am so blessed to have you in my life. You have been the best friend I could possibly ask for. And knowing how well you have loved me, I want more than anything for you to feel the peace that God has given me. The joy even when life sucks. And knowing that when I can go on no longer, He will be there to pick up right where I left off. And even as I sit here in tears thinking about how you have to deal with life on your own, I have every confidence in my Jesus who loves you even more than I do.  And as hard as it is to let you go, I know that He will take even better care of you than I ever could. I want you to have a confidant when you can't tell anyone else, to feel the warmth of being loved even when you're alone, be able to laugh at nothing and everything even when your world is falling apart. I want you to feel this love that is so great and undeserved that you can't help but smile. This grace so sweet and all-encompassing that you feel you're drowning in it. I want you to have it all. I want you to know that God is on your side even when the world seems to be against you. I pray constantly that you will finally see this Truth i've come to know and love. I've never felt this strongly about anything. He loves you so much and I can not wait for the day when you open your arms and accept what is offered to you.
Always in my heart,
Megan"

Believe

Last night as I was journaling, I realized something I wanted to share with you. Life can be really really difficult. Obviously, that wasn't the part i just realized. And we live in a world where our expectations, whether they be of people or experiences are often too high. Hunter and I were joking the other day about Penn, saying "At Penn you set your expectations low and even then you might be disappointed." Kind of a depressing outlook, I know. But I can't help but wonder if we don't actually live by that. It's not uncommon to be disappointed by things and people and experiences that we had previously put our faith in. We expected it to be wonderful and it just didn't live up to those expectations. Or we trust someone to be there for us and they check out.

And call me crazy, but I don't like pain. It's not uncommon and probably even natural for me to shy away from things that may cause me pain. And I don't think I'm the only one. I think in the American culture we have been conditioned to draw back from the experiences that will hurt us. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing. But there are situations where this tendency does more harm than good. And I find my walk with faith is one. I have become so used to lowering my expectations, to hoping for only what I know has a good chance of happening, that now I find it difficult to hope for anything. Even snow days I don't let myself hope for because there's no way to know what's going to happen. I'd rather not hope and be surprised, than hope and be disappointed.  This kind of terrifies me. I don't want to become so jaded that I no longer believe in anything. And I'm finding that that's who I've become. I have a hard time praying about things that are bigger than what I think are possible. And praying for a miracle? That's rare. I say I trust in God but do I really? Do I believe deep enough inside that whether I get the answer I want or not, God hears my prayers? Do I believe that he really works for the good of those who love him? Do I believe that he can do what I ask, regardless of how big? Do you? Because James says clearly that "when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" How can I ask God for something I don't even really believe he can do? How can I claim that he ought to answer me because I threw it out there, when I have set my expectations so low that I don't even really believe he will come through. Because it's better to be happily surprised than disappointed. But is it really? I'm not so sure. 

I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe in the people I love. I want to believe that God can heal my hurts. I want to believe that my prayers will be answered. I want to believe in a brighter tomorrow. I want to believe that the world isn't hopeless. I want to believe. And you know what? I think I do. I choose to believe. Even when the pain is too much for me by myself, even when the world seems too far gone, even when everything points to hopelessness. I believe. Mumford & Sons lyrics are brilliant in general. But one song speaks to this topic, they say: "Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight." This I will do. God is good, even when my world suggests otherwise. He can perform miracles, he can do what I can not. So when my world is dark and there seems to be no hope, and when the sun is shining and I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I will hold on to what I know to be true, and He will get me through. God Bless.

Druggies

I wanted to share something with you that has been grating on me lately. I was talking to a friend the other day and somehow it came up that they didn't like a certain group of people. When I asked the answer was "They're druggies." Does that bother you as much as it does me? When I think about it I realize how often we do this. I do this. Why is it that we are so casual about labeling people based on the choices they've made in their lives, their sins, ways of life? Why do we label people at all? He's a druggie, she's a lesbian, he's a hobo, she's a slut. Why do we base our opinions of people off stuff as shallow as all this? Why can't we push past the surface and get to know them for who they are? Maybe their sins are more obvious, maybe they even flaunt them, but being judgemental is not our duty, and if we are really honest with ourselves we are no better, even if it is more internal. That's another thing, Who are we to say one sin is higher than another? We're all level at the foot of the cross, right? So why do we make such a big deal of someone murdering and just brush off the arrogance in our own hearts? Why is it that we judge those who struggle with addictions when our hearts are full of anger? Do you get my point? It goes back to that verse in Matthew 7:3, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" It's not my place to label others, it's not my place to judge whose sins are worse than my own. And if I'm honest, I struggle with this a lot. I long to love these people, to let everything else drop away until it is just me and them and my beautiful Jesus who died so that we might live. Not just me. Both of us. All of us. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that Jesus would die for me, that I forget He died for the rest of the world too. There is absolutely nothing in the world like the realization that Jesus died for everyone I look at. I had a very special moment when it really hit me. I was standing at the front of my church serving communion, with the cup of grape juice and looking each person in the eye saying "The blood of Christ shed for you" And in that moment I had to fight back the tears as I realized and felt the enormity of that statement. So, and I say this for myself more than anyone, next time you're tempted to pass judgement remember that Jesus got up there on the cross and died for them too because he loves them dearly and longs for them to come running back into his arms. Is my judgement what is turning them away from the love of God?