Believe

Last night as I was journaling, I realized something I wanted to share with you. Life can be really really difficult. Obviously, that wasn't the part i just realized. And we live in a world where our expectations, whether they be of people or experiences are often too high. Hunter and I were joking the other day about Penn, saying "At Penn you set your expectations low and even then you might be disappointed." Kind of a depressing outlook, I know. But I can't help but wonder if we don't actually live by that. It's not uncommon to be disappointed by things and people and experiences that we had previously put our faith in. We expected it to be wonderful and it just didn't live up to those expectations. Or we trust someone to be there for us and they check out.

And call me crazy, but I don't like pain. It's not uncommon and probably even natural for me to shy away from things that may cause me pain. And I don't think I'm the only one. I think in the American culture we have been conditioned to draw back from the experiences that will hurt us. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing. But there are situations where this tendency does more harm than good. And I find my walk with faith is one. I have become so used to lowering my expectations, to hoping for only what I know has a good chance of happening, that now I find it difficult to hope for anything. Even snow days I don't let myself hope for because there's no way to know what's going to happen. I'd rather not hope and be surprised, than hope and be disappointed.  This kind of terrifies me. I don't want to become so jaded that I no longer believe in anything. And I'm finding that that's who I've become. I have a hard time praying about things that are bigger than what I think are possible. And praying for a miracle? That's rare. I say I trust in God but do I really? Do I believe deep enough inside that whether I get the answer I want or not, God hears my prayers? Do I believe that he really works for the good of those who love him? Do I believe that he can do what I ask, regardless of how big? Do you? Because James says clearly that "when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" How can I ask God for something I don't even really believe he can do? How can I claim that he ought to answer me because I threw it out there, when I have set my expectations so low that I don't even really believe he will come through. Because it's better to be happily surprised than disappointed. But is it really? I'm not so sure. 

I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe in the people I love. I want to believe that God can heal my hurts. I want to believe that my prayers will be answered. I want to believe in a brighter tomorrow. I want to believe that the world isn't hopeless. I want to believe. And you know what? I think I do. I choose to believe. Even when the pain is too much for me by myself, even when the world seems too far gone, even when everything points to hopelessness. I believe. Mumford & Sons lyrics are brilliant in general. But one song speaks to this topic, they say: "Hold on to what you believe in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight." This I will do. God is good, even when my world suggests otherwise. He can perform miracles, he can do what I can not. So when my world is dark and there seems to be no hope, and when the sun is shining and I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I will hold on to what I know to be true, and He will get me through. God Bless.

Druggies

I wanted to share something with you that has been grating on me lately. I was talking to a friend the other day and somehow it came up that they didn't like a certain group of people. When I asked the answer was "They're druggies." Does that bother you as much as it does me? When I think about it I realize how often we do this. I do this. Why is it that we are so casual about labeling people based on the choices they've made in their lives, their sins, ways of life? Why do we label people at all? He's a druggie, she's a lesbian, he's a hobo, she's a slut. Why do we base our opinions of people off stuff as shallow as all this? Why can't we push past the surface and get to know them for who they are? Maybe their sins are more obvious, maybe they even flaunt them, but being judgemental is not our duty, and if we are really honest with ourselves we are no better, even if it is more internal. That's another thing, Who are we to say one sin is higher than another? We're all level at the foot of the cross, right? So why do we make such a big deal of someone murdering and just brush off the arrogance in our own hearts? Why is it that we judge those who struggle with addictions when our hearts are full of anger? Do you get my point? It goes back to that verse in Matthew 7:3, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" It's not my place to label others, it's not my place to judge whose sins are worse than my own. And if I'm honest, I struggle with this a lot. I long to love these people, to let everything else drop away until it is just me and them and my beautiful Jesus who died so that we might live. Not just me. Both of us. All of us. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that Jesus would die for me, that I forget He died for the rest of the world too. There is absolutely nothing in the world like the realization that Jesus died for everyone I look at. I had a very special moment when it really hit me. I was standing at the front of my church serving communion, with the cup of grape juice and looking each person in the eye saying "The blood of Christ shed for you" And in that moment I had to fight back the tears as I realized and felt the enormity of that statement. So, and I say this for myself more than anyone, next time you're tempted to pass judgement remember that Jesus got up there on the cross and died for them too because he loves them dearly and longs for them to come running back into his arms. Is my judgement what is turning them away from the love of God?

Untouchable

Last Friday I went to Chicago with two of my favorite people in the world. As we walked through the streets we passed numerous homeless people begging for money. Each and every time, my heart would break for them. How can one's life take such a turn against them that they end up on the streets? It's so typical for us to make judgements against these people. Why are they sitting there begging and not looking for a job? Why should I feel bad, they're probably a druggie, they did it to themselves, right? But really, who are we to judge? I mean sure some of them may have drug addictions. But there is no way to know for sure without talking to them. And they may have exhausted all their options with jobs or not have the ability to work. Do you understand how much utter humility it takes to admit that you can no longer make it on your own and subject yourself to the stares of everyone passing on the street assuming things about you that may or may not be true? And if they had someone in their life who was willing and able to care for them do you think they'd be there? There are so many things that could happen to land someone with out a home. Estranged relatives. Mental/physical disabilities. Bad luck. There may not be a clear reason even, somehow they're life just took a turn for the worse and they lost what they once had. While we were eating dinner in Chicago, I noticed a man in his sleeping bag right outside Subway, just laying on the sidewalk. As I watched him I noticed he was smoking a cigarette. And I could feel myself right away judging him. If he could buy a pack of cigarettes why could he not buy himself some food, or save up for something? But the more I thought about it, the more I sympathized with him. If I was living on the street, spending my days avoiding the stares, and yet wishing that just one person would treat me like a human again. Begging for money but also inside begging for someone to care. With no one to love or be loved by, and finding that for just a little while with that cigarette or that drink I  could forget everything and be happy again, I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. Who's to say that they don't use that drug as an alternative to the love we reject them everytime we walk by with out a word, or a smile, or just looking them in the eye? Is that really so much to ask?! Jesus loved the unlovable and touched the untouchable. I pray that someday we all learn to do the same. It could just change the world.

Times

"i hear you say 'my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you grow hungry and tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends'"

I was talking to a friend today about life, and I got to thinking about how blessed we are that God is there for us regardless of our situation. The lyrics above are from the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North and I've found myself clinging to it often. How amazing it is that we have a God who loves me through all of my successes and all of my failures. In a world that is so quick to judge and throw labels out, it's relieving to know that my God, my Father, my One Love, accepts me for who I am, he has made me beautiful and no mistake or wrong decision will ever take me away from his love. I find myself so often holding back, subconsciously knowing that He can't love me even seeing all of my inner most thoughts and desires. The thing is, he does. He loves me more than I could ever ask or imagine. I may not feel Him all the time, but he is always here. And tonight I rest in the security of knowing that regardless of what comes up and what situations I may face tomorrow, my Father is right beside me, loving me and holding my hand through it all.

Father, thank you for loving me unconditionally. I revel in you and long for you more everyday. Come near me and bring me near to you. I love you.

Renewal

I leave today for a middle school retreat that I have the great honor of being a leader at! And I needed to write out my dreams for the weekend.

I want to love like Jesus did
I want to lead well
I want to be fully open to what God wants to do in and through me
I want to be a fountain of love and joy and everything good
I want a pure mind and heart
I want to connect to my beautiful girls through our mutual love for Christ
I want to inspire and be inspired
I want to be moved by the presence of God
I want to see God at work in the lives of these wonderful students
I want to be filled to overflowing with passion for Christ and his work
I want to be honest and real
I want to help create an environment where everyone feels they can be honest and real
I want to go crazy and have fun in a way that no one feels left out
I want to give my all everyday and push past the fah-tee-gyoo
I want to run more than I thought possible in 2 days
I want to sleep minimal amounts and still be in a good mood
I want to encourage and be encouraged
I want to hang out with Jesus and be reminded over and over how much He has done for me
I want to experience renewal to it's fullest through the immense love and power of Jesus Christ

The best part is that He can make all of this happen! I'm awe-struck again and again by the magnitude and awesomeness of our God! Thank you Father!

Why Bother?



Paula and I at one of Hunter's cross country meets.

Last year this beautiful Croatian came to live with my family for 5 months as an exchange student. After that she moved to 2 other houses in our neighborhood before returning home in June. He name is Paula. In the year that she was here, we became closer than close. We argued more than I've ever argued with anyone. But we hung out all the time, talked about everything and laughed 90% of the time. We were perfect for eachother. Since she moved back to Croatia, there has been an empty place in my heart, that aches with longing to get back my other half. I didn't know it was  possible to miss someone this much. I often find myself wondering, why? Why would God allow someone to come into my life, only to rip them away again? Why do I even bother getting close to people when they just walk out again? Why let them in when the pain of them leaving is so great? That's all people do anyways. They walk in your life only to leave again. I mean let's be honest. How many people will be a part of your life all the way through? Not many. So then, really why bother? Why risk getting close to someone when it just ends with heart ache? That's how I feel sometimes. More often than I'd like to admit really.

I've had many thoughts come through my head regarding that and I want to share them with you even though it doesn't stop the pain. It helps me to change my perspective. Paula did not come into my life just to leave it, just like Jesus did not come to this world just to die on the cross. Sure that was a HUGE part. But he came to show us how to live! To teach us and love us and enrich our lives. These people that come through our lives are similar. It may be painful when they leave, but the focus should not be on the pain but on the beauty they brought to us while they were here. The things they taught us, the joy they brought us, and the love they showed. A life without love, may be free of heartache, but it is also free of joy. We are people made for relationships. If we had lived just a few centuries ago I would probably never have met Paula. I need to see this as a blessing that I got to meet someone with whom I clicked so well and spent a year working through our differences and quirks and learning to love every imperfection. I learned so much and loved so much during that year and without it I would not be who I am today. I love thinking back on our times together and remembering all our little jokes and memories we shared. We'd stay up late talking about things that both did and didn't matter. She taught me to laugh at the most intense moment in movies, to love unashamedly, to hug far too often and quite spuradically. I still love her dearly and hope with all my might that we can continue our friendship long distance. But even if we can't I am greatful for our time together and the beauty and color she added to my life. I will never forget the memories we made.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." ~Moulin Rouge

Crazy but Possible

You know those dreams, the really big ones, that you keep to yourself because you know they're impossible? I've got about a million of them. They seem so out of reach we don't even consider them as possibilies. Some of them are just fun to dream about, meeting Justin Bieber, traveling the world and playing music on the streets for money, or inventing some crazy product that does something stupid. But some of these rediculous dreams are legit. What if those huge dreams that seem so impossible to me and you, are dreams God has plans to fulfill? What if we could light our work places and schools with the love of God? What if we could break out of our comfort zone on a daily basis and be kingdom bringers in ways we didn't think possible? What if we could change the lives of our loved ones simply by living like these dreams aren't so out of reach? What if I could stop caring what people would think and love Penn and all its people to Jesus? What if I could stop doubting myself and believe that God has put me here for a reason? What if I could get out of my own little world and become a life line for seriously hurting people? What if I could let go of my worries and insecurities and just get up and change the world?

Is it all so far out there? God did not make a mistake when he put me in my family, in my church, in my school. He wasn't confused when he created me to have my strengths and weaknesses, my flaws and imperfections. He knows what He's doing. I may doubt myself a majority of the time, but God has a plan and a purpose for my life and He's given me what I need to fulfill it. It's true of all of us. Why do we spend so much time saying "I can't" and giving excuses for not being able to go after our calling. Seriously? Maybe I can't. But God can. And He says He will never leave or forsake us. So stop living like it's all about you, maybe it won't be comfortable, maybe you'll be stretched more than you thought possible. But we are not called to live comfortable lives. We are called to get off our butts and change the world. God will give you what you need to accomplish the dreams he has given you. Live like it. Because those dreams, the crazy ones that seem so rediculous that there's no way we could accomplish them, are just the right size for the God who created the universe.