To the Boys...

To the boys who want to be her man,

Know that as you go about your life, she's watching. She's watching how you treat other girls. She's watching how you respond to stress and frustration. She's watching how you talk to your mom and your sister. She's watching when you lose your cool. She's watching when you've won it all. She's sees it all. 

So don't live like it doesn't matter. Like what you do today has no repercussions tomorrow. Your actions affect her tomorrow and to her that is no light matter. 

Grow up. Have fun; but never at the expense of someone else. Work hard; but don't be afraid to relax. Go after your dreams and for God's sake if she's the one you want, chase her. Tell her what she means to you and don't be afraid of falling on your face. If she's worth it, you'll risk it. And she knows that. Risk being honest because life is not worth it without the risk. Risk it because she's going to risk a lot to trust you too. Risk it because she never believed anyone would or could. 

Work now to be kind when it's easier to be mean. Work to love when it's natural to hate. Work to be humble and selfless and madly, desperately in love with Jesus. Work to become a leader worth following. Work like it's what you were made for, because it is. 

She doesn't need a perfect man. She needs a man who will admit his mistakes and work to be better. A man who loves always and puts her before himself but after Jesus even as she tries to do the same for him. A man who is faithful in the little things. A man who protects her in her weakness and who magnifies her strengths. A man who will stand beside her proudly through success and failure alike. A man who points her always to Jesus as he runs next to her in this race called life. 

A New Mission

God has been changing my heart so much since I've been at camp and I wanted to share some of what He is doing. 

A few months ago I wrote out a blog for HeartSong about the things that God was showing me: 

"I love to dream. God has given me so many dreams throughout my life. I have had this dream for the last several years to go to other countries and love on, and potentially teach, underprivileged children. It’s one of those things I want so bad that it’s shaped many, if not all, of my decisions recently. If this option doesn’t get me there, I won’t take it. 

In chapel the other day, the speaker spoke these words, “God wants to expand your dreams.” Then later that day there was this quote on Instagram, “He dreams bigger dreams for you than you do.” I was like Okay, God. What’s your point? 

I realized that I’d become stuck on this one thing (going overseas), a good thing, but still a thing that was not God. I’d begun to want that more than I wanted to follow wherever God led. I’d stopped trusting that He had a plan for me and focused on the plan that I liked, the one that was good enough for me. But He’s God. He doesn’t stop at “good enough”."

I went on to talk about the reasons I wanted to go into missions and my discovering that God had fulfilled all of those desires through HeartSong. This summer has been so much more of the same. As we lead on stage and engage off stage I have found that my heart has been broken again and again for the brokenness I've seen here in the lives of these campers. My heart goes out to those who have not had the love and support they need to succeed in life and I've found that as that has happened I've been less inclined to go overseas. It is not that I no longer want to. I would still love to travel should that be in God's plan for me. But I'm so much more convinced that God can and will use me where ever I end up- even if that's America. 

I love ministry. I love to love people and to encourage them. I want to be the one to help heal the brokenness. I want to give my life to help those who can not help themselves. And maybe that means overseas missions, but maybe that means my mission is here. And maybe here is where ever I am. 

I'm so amazed to see how God has directed my life to be at this place now. In middle school I felt God leading me towards working with the homeless. Because of that I started working at the Center for the Homeless in South Bend. While there I worked with the children ages 3 mos. - 3 yrs in a program that helped to improve their development so they would not be behind when they get to school. Through working there I discovered my love for underprivileged children and a desire to help students like them succeed, which is how I ended up at Cedarville as an Early Childhood Education major. And now after changing my major to Christian Education (a general ministry major) and two years in the ministry of HeartSong, I find myself here; with a love for ministry and a desire to help people but no idea how God will use that in my future. 

I have no doubt God will continue to lead me along this road with many twists and turns that I never would have foreseen. I trust that he will continue to draw me toward my final destination of being with Him and I am comfortable to sit back and enjoy the view along the way. His plan and purpose for my life is nothing I would have chosen for myself but I want it more than anything. Here's to many more years of following where the Spirit may lead. 

Nearness

I'm blown away today. Not by the wind that bites at my face when I walk outside. Not by my classes or the people or even the beauty around me. I'm blown away at my King. He is too good. He is too loving and too gracious and too just and too perfect to be true and yet He is. And I know it because I see it, I see Him everywhere. 

This semester has opened my eyes in a completely new and beautiful way to the nearness of Christ. So many nights I've talked with my roommate about things we've struggled with and ways that we want to be better and that by itself is a beautiful thing. But almost every time we've shared things with each other, we hear about that exact thing in chapel the next day or in classes or a church service. It's to the point that I anticipate it. I leave those conversations wondering what God is going to do with it in chapel the next day. It's like He's just sitting in our dorm room listening as we share our hearts, loving the community and grinning, "Just wait, child. I've got something coming for you tomorrow.” 

I don't have adjectives enough to describe that feeling; To know that God, the only God, the one who created all and holds all in his perfect hands, He loves to sit with us. He loves to point our dialogue in the right direction. He honors the effort to live in community, in a way that is pleasing to Him. He draws near to us as we draw near to Him. There's nothing like it. 

I had to have a tough conversation yesterday and nothing in me was excited, although I knew it was necessary. As it began I sent a silly, simple little prayer to God. “I just don’t want to cry.” It was so insignificant in light of everything that was about to take place. But He answered it. And His answer was yes. “I hear you, my love, and I’m going to take care of the big things. But I’ll take care of this little request too, because you matter to me, because you are my treasured one.” In the moments after that conversation ended, alongside the relief that came with being done, was this overwhelming sense of just being cherished. I felt like God was wrapping me in a hug in that moment. 

There is no reason that He should love me. All the mistakes, all the times I’ve pushed him away and tried to run, all the times I chose my pride and my protection over Him, yet He chooses to love me. He chooses to give me grace enough to show me my short comings and gives me the strength to overcome them. He gives me peace unlike anything the world could hope to produce even when my life is storming. He is all that I could ever need and so much more. 

I’m in awe of who He is. I’m in awe of what He’s done and the love that He continually lavishes over me. I’m in awe of the grace he extends no matter how many times I fall. I’m in awe of the people He’s put in my life to teach me more about who He is. There's is no one like Him. What a joy it is to know and be loved by so great a King. 

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

    Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,

    for those who fear him have no lack!

The young lions suffer want and hunger;

    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing

Psalm 34:8-10

True Healing

I want to make a habit of doing what does not come easily. I've started running a couple times a week and I'm struck by how much it sucks. Every time. But somehow I always feel better afterwards. Like that hell I put my body through was actually worth it. Not only was I able to release any stress through the activity, but my body is becoming stronger and healthier because of it. 

It's funny how easy it is to fall into old habits when life gets rough. When I get tired, when I feel alone, when I'm sad, I run to the things that I know will numb the pain- at least for a little while. I run to the things that satisfy that longing immediately. Because eating a doughnut is easier than going for a run. Because the 'long run' doesn't cross my mind in the moment. Because real healing takes work and it takes time. Neither of which I enjoy giving. 

But this person that I am, the one I see in the mirror, the one that falls time and again to the same old trick, the one that chooses immediate gratification over true healing every time, that's not the person I want to be. That person makes me sick to my stomach. That person is not the one I want people seeing.  It's not how I want to live. 

True healing, though, requires authenticity. It means someone else has to see that version. It means the mask has to go in the trash and the walls have to come down. And that is terrifying. So I continue. I continue to cry in agony at the brokenness inside of me. I continue to long for a better existence. I continue wishing that just once I would not fall. I continue wishing that someone would break down the walls and simultaneously pushing away anyone who would try. 

It's a vicious cycle and I think it's one many of us live. Pride keeps our masks in place, believing that we are the only ones who struggle, the only ones who fall. Admitting weakness is admitting failure. And failure we cannot accept. We cannot let them see the brokenness we see in the mirror. No one would stick around if they saw that. Right? 

Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of pretending to have it all together when I don't. I'm sick of acting as though life is great when it's not. I fall time and again into the same old easy fix. I'm a sucker for immediate gratification. I'm the weakest person I've ever met and I need Jesus. I do. I am weak and I am broken and I build walls like its my job. But maybe this will be the start of a new era. An era of honesty. An era of authenticity. An era of community that does not condemn but comes together to support one another. I want that. I want deep intentional relationships and I want life-giving community. 

There is no healing in my mask. There is no satisfaction in my little, perfectly protected and perfectly abandoned castle. Perfect love casts out fear. So today I'm laying down my mask and I invite you to do the same. Run hard into the arms of Jesus. Let someone in on your struggles. Let them help you. Share the burden. We were not meant to do this life on our own.

{To You} When You Feel Like Giving Up

I get it. You feel alone. You feel lost. You feel like a burden. 

And you're searching for someone to show that you matter. That you're worth it. 

But SOMEBODY ALREADY DID. 

You can be sure that you matter because you're here today. 

Somebody cared enough to create you. Somebody cared enough to die for you. 

He's pursuing you every day if only you would stop to listen. 

He wakes the sun up for you every morning. 

He opens the mouths of the birds to sing you to your morning classes. 

He unveils the stars at night to guide you. 

He smiles at you through the flowers and waves with the falling of the leaves. 

He loves to see you happy and cries when you cry. 

There is nothing He does not see. 

He notices when you hurt and he longs to comfort you. 

So crawl back into his arms, child. 

Crawl back the direction you think He is. 

When it feels like there is a wall between you, know that it is nothing more than a feeling. 

That when you ask He will break it down. 

There is no distance too far, 

no sin too wrong, 

no fall too hard 

that he can not pick you up and put all the little pieces back together. 

He is not angry with you for running. 

He does not resent the distance. 

He simply follows, waiting for you to turn and see that he is right there, all the time, 

arms ready to embrace you, party already planned for the return of his precious child. 

Come home. 

Rest in His arms and know yourself to be loved. 

Believe it. 

Breathe it in. 

This is where you belong. 

No matter where you are on this Earth. 

Here, in your Father's arms, this is home.

Words

I'm learning about words these days. Turns out they're pretty powerful. You'd think it'd be something I was aware of. Sure I've said words are powerful. I've heard that we need to be careful of what comes out of our mouth. But life as of late has taught me lessons that hit home just how true this really is.

In Genesis, God spoke. It's the first thing he tells us he did. And because he speaks we know that we can believe, we know that what he says will happen because that's the precedent that he sets. I believe his promises because he spoke them. I wonder if the same could be said for me. How many times do I say things that I don't really mean, or mean things and then not follow through? How much weight do my promises actually carry for people who know me? I don't know if the answer is one I'd like to hear.

Photo by @lakeanncamp

At camp last summer every Friday we would have combined chapel which meant all the campers going into 6th grade through graduated seniors were all in the same room at the same time. And every Friday Ken Riley, the director would get up on stage and talk about the great tradition that is the Glory Bowl. At the Glory Bowl all the kids would gather around a giant fire and anyone who wanted to could share about what God had done in their life that week. As Ken introduced this event, he gave two reasons that he believed the glory bowl was important. The first was that it's encouraging to those around us to see how God is moving in us. The second is that our decisions are solidified in our hearts when we speak them out loud.

That second one has been a game changer for me lately. When I speak it solidifies what I think in my heart. Which means when people ask me how I am and I complain about all that's going wrong, that's solidified. It means that when I mention all the things this one person has done that irritates me, that's solidified. But it also means that saying "I forgive you" can be followed by the feeling. It means that talking about the things that go right, might actually shift my gaze from the things that don't.

If my words will translate into actions down the road, I want to be speaking truth. I want to speak joy. I want to speak peace. I want to speak the pure and the noble and the right, the excellent and praiseworthy.

I am no master of this skill. I'm not really even good at it. But God is teaching and I am learning and my hope is that you too will see the value of this lesson and apply it to your life. Be careful of the things you let come out of your mouth and have a blessed day.

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Wonder

It's so easy, so comfortable to live in the box of things we know. We strive for exact and final answers to our questions. We look skeptically upon that which we cannot fully comprehend. 
The unknown is scary. So we run. We think, we wrestle, and we try to work ourselves to the answer. 

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus, to me, is that I cannot ever fully understand. At times it's frustrating, exhausting, even overwhelming. But then I'm reminded that if I could know everything that God knows, if I could understand how and why He does what He does, there would be no reason to depend on Him. I would not need him because I'd already know all things. 

Following Christ is all about the journey. There will never be a time while I'm alive when I will have reached the final destination in my walk with Christ. I will never achieve perfection, or total knowledge. But that's the beauty in it. Every day I can search and grow and learn and become closer to my Jesus. 

We try so hard to box God in. To strap him down and pull out black and white answers to life. We long for the black and white because it's safe. It's right or it's wrong. No gray. Gray is scary. I'm right and you're wrong and that's all there is to it. But what if that's not how it was supposed to be? What if it is gray? What if the black and white mindset is keeping me from loving someone who desperately needs it? What if the black or white or gray doesn't even matter?

I think we miss out on so much of the goodness that God intended for us when we let ourselves go to the black and white. We stop thinking once we have our answer. We stop listening. We stop growing. In my experience the closer I get to Jesus, the less I care about exact answers. The journey is joy because each step takes me closer to Him.

Donald Miller says it this way in his book, Blue Like Jazz: "At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is the feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."

Take some time today to wonder. Wonder at the things He's done. Wonder at the things He's doing. Wonder at the world around you. Wonder at the little daily blessings.

It's good to be alive. It's good to be loved by Jesus. It's good to have another chance every day to serve and honor and worship Him. Remember that and smile.