Monday, February 2, 2009

So....

Hey guys! it's been a while! Gosh a lots been goin on lately. A couple weeks ago, i was somewhat depressed because in order to put God first in my life i had to...ummm...kick a friend out of my heart. I had realized that with this friend so close to my mind at all times i wasn't making time for God, I was concentrating fully on this friend...Let's call this friend Charlie...So i realized that Charlie was getting in the way of my relationship with God and i needed to reprioritize my life. So that's what i've been working on lately. I had to tell Charlie that i needed to prioritize, and i know that hurt him, which was painful to see. However, Charlie, being the great guy that he is said that i was doing the right thing, which i knew, and that if he was getting in the way of God that this is what i needed to do. That was a difficult thing for me to do. Put God first. And it shouldn't have been, I'd just gotten so used to having God in the background...there when i wanted him to be, but otherwise pushed aside until it was convenient. It's a somewhat depressing thing for me to realize, and honestly it's been a month and i'm still working on putting him first. I'm still trying to love God with ALLL my heart not just what's left over. I'm still trying to deal with emotions that i don't want to feel. But in it all i believe i have come closer to God, I have realized that he's not going anywhere, i have figured out that if he is not first in my life, everything else crashes down around me. There's no security, no reliability, no unconditional love, no feeling that i'll never be left alone. It's a hard thing to pick out in yourself. to realize the "little flaws" that you see are actually huge when their pointed out. But it's one of those things we have to do, cuz in my case, no one else would have realized that, no one else can see my heart or know what order my priorities lie in. That's for me to figure out, and i'm glad that i did, because although it hasn't been easy, i have the security and comfort in the fact that GOD will NEVER leave me.

Well, there you go. I'm thinking there were a few people out there that needed to know what was up, so now you know. Pray for me, i still need a lot of help getting back on my feet and in a direction that will keep me safe and secure in God's arms and in my relationship with him :) i love you guys!

1 comment:

Sarah Koutz said...

I'm so proud of you. These things are never easy. Keep running hard after Jesus my friend. Love ya girl!